shadow

ok, so it's been a while

and i need to make note of this intriguing stroke of luck. on the usual subject.

never did i expect to find myself sitting and talking philosophy with a beautiful woman tonight. my track record with approaching people is dismal (are you surprised? look at my method of expressing these kinds of situations) and yet tonight i got extremely lucky and met this really amazing woman, which i can sometimes find myself having difficulty saying ("woman"). But she was.

it is rather unfortunate that i am leaving in a month and a half, but, regardless of having disclosed this, she was insistent that i email her. thrice she said it. i bet she's kicking herself right now for being too insistent, but it was endearing. she made a hasty getaway during this, and i wonder why, but i think maybe she was getting nervous or something as equally innocent. i'm terrible about foreshadowing things to their demise, but i kind of hope maybe something will work out here...it would be terrible pragmatically, but i might not mind, and it might be okay for me to have something inaccessible on my plate while i'm trying to focus on school...she would be quite a catch. Though, am I insane? Probably. Though, I don't have this happen quite like this all that often...or, do I? Insane.

Oh, and her blog is amazing. Swoon. It doesn't really compare to my pale efforts over the past few years. My blogging has, let's say, run its course for the most part. I think I have had so much of the blog world that I dare say I feel like I'm over it. Except I'm not, I just haven't quite felt ready to enter the adult blogging world. By which I mean, I like blogging about myself, for myself. Or, I like using my real blog as a syndication tool, not necessarily to craft fiction, essays, or whatnot. I'm not feeling those things at the moment, though I'm persistently wishing I was. I chalk it up to being obsessed with other modes of production, though I find it a paltry excuse.

Anyhow. Whoa. Strange way to meet someone and then find out they were totally what they portrayed themselves as. Has a daughter, didn't mention that. But who would? This I can understand.

Okay, now just to decide how long before I email her...I hate this part. At least she's internet people, so she probably doesn't have a preconceived notion of swiftness as based on the post office...

Ok, obviously I'm way over-thinking this. Again, are you really surprised?
shadow

paling

I'm really scraping here. Just swirling water in a shallow pan, and trying not to lose whatever I might have. I figure, if something's there and I just keep turning it all over, maybe it will come to the top. Maybe.

I don't see her, but maybe I'm inadvertently looking for dysfunctional gold.

I have been really lost when it comes to relationships. Big news, eh? But, this time I'm not embroiled in anything, just confused by the ones I have that haven't really been made very clear, for lots of different reasons.

I mean, I haven't found anything that seems to fit my expectations and is also reciprocated. Much staggering and crashing to the pavement, nose scrapings to accent my ugly face. I'm not satisfied, and I'm starting to think I never will be.

Perhaps my ego is greater than the sum of the squares of two sides of a right triangle.

Perposteruse.
shadow

but

all is not well.

nothing is going as i hoped.

release the pigeons and don't
forget
clip their wings when they return.

make over. make do. make way.
shadow

(no subject)

despite the assertion that things didn't work between us last time, K and i have been smiling constantly when together.

double-plus twitter-pated.
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    Very Friendly Lighthouses - Left to His Own Devices - Vic Chesnutt
shadow

Too

many of these things circle 'round, spinning just right until something strikes and off they twirl, into the beyond and whisk. I have put myself into many strange situations—some of which have been good and others bad. Last night I did something strange, but it appears it was based on mutual understanding, and there will be no residual discomfort or expectation.

K from last spring is back in town for a few months. I wonder if she reads this or not...being one of few people I've showed (and most probably my reason for lack of frequent updates since then). Expressing these kinds of thoughts is difficult for me when I know people I know might read it, unless I really trust them. Sigh.

In other news, a sweet one has stumbled into my world, but I think perhaps in many ways she is too young for me. Not in the real sense, but in other ways does not seem to have the kind of experience and maturity I have acquired. Otherwise, a very refreshing addition to my world, and a welcome one, if only for a while. I just seem to keep finding ones who have need for ramblin' on, and maybe it is as it should be.
shadow

3.5+ years later

I sprinted 6 blocks after her, and I told K I love her. A long talk ensued.

A bit ago S asserted that I love her and I always will. She's right, I just don't know what it all means, and whether it makes sense. I guess it doesn't need to...
shadow

(no subject)

Why do I do this to the people I care about? My freaking out has lost me way too many friends. : (

I don't know how to control it. I realized talking to my Dad yesterday that he instilled it in me, and all I want is to learn how to calm down and approach issues with a more even-tempered manner. I need to learn patience, and that giving people and myself time is sometimes not only good but necessary. Now, to stop being neurotic so I can actually take the time myself.

That's my problem: If something is bothering me I just keep mulling it over in my head until I can get it out. Sometimes even getting it out doesn't help (mostly when my manner of getting it out causes more problems, because I'm like that...). Maybe writing things down will help.

I have too many emotions and no idea how to deal with them.

How do you deal with disappointment?
shadow

While I may

present a face of rationality—

I'm thinking through everything, but inside I'm falling apart over this.

I think it's my fault. I'm sorry I've needed so much.

I should have just left well enough alone so many times. Left when I felt upset so many times, since where there was no consolation I wasn't going to pull it out of rock. I need to learn my patience well, and I always forget what that takes. I miss her already, and maybe what I need is to get through this initial separation anxiety and be able to, once I have a clear head, try to examine my emotions for her, try to clearly word (to myself) what it is I want, and try ever so hard not to expect anything at all.

I'm having that sick feeling again, and I can't sleep.
shadow

(no subject)

I guess this might be for the best. I care about her, but I need to figure out how not to cling when things are weird, and she needs to figure out how not to take me for granted, which may come back to me needing to not get clingy and neurotic and letting her take me for granted, or reinforcing it at least. Ugh. I really like her and I wish I was more able to just be myself instead of getting freaked out and acting all aggressive with my emotions.

For a while I kept trying to do nice things for her to get her to respond in turn, but instead I felt like she just got more and more standoffish. I knew I needed to revise my approach and I failed miserably because I was weak to her because I just wanted everything to be right. I wanted to be strong and have fun and not freak out, but in turn her pushing away and taking me for granted made me more resolved in my action instead of just backing off. I guess I failed at being both strong and sensitive for her.

But, well, I just don't know now. I guess I hope everything turns out right. She's leaving anyhow, so together or apart it was going to be apart sooner or later.

Attention turned to introspection
on cue to review
finds silence inside
mesmerized vortices on
circular parade.

Double storms advance
wild and intent to seize
themselves, colliding
wrapped in a passionate
flail, mortally coiled
and poised.