I'm fearful so I'm|
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|Monday, May 26th, 2008|
|ok, so it's been a while
and i need to make note of this intriguing stroke of luck. on the usual subject.
never did i expect to find myself sitting and talking philosophy with a beautiful woman tonight. my track record with approaching people is dismal (are you surprised? look at my method of expressing these kinds of situations) and yet tonight i got extremely lucky and met this really amazing woman, which i can sometimes find myself having difficulty saying ("woman"). But she was.
it is rather unfortunate that i am leaving in a month and a half, but, regardless of having disclosed this, she was insistent that i email her. thrice she said it. i bet she's kicking herself right now for being too insistent, but it was endearing. she made a hasty getaway during this, and i wonder why, but i think maybe she was getting nervous or something as equally innocent. i'm terrible about foreshadowing things to their demise, but i kind of hope maybe something will work out here...it would be terrible pragmatically, but i might not mind, and it might be okay for me to have something inaccessible on my plate while i'm trying to focus on school...she would be quite a catch. Though, am I insane? Probably. Though, I don't have this happen quite like this all that often...or, do I? Insane.
Oh, and her blog is amazing. Swoon. It doesn't really compare to my pale efforts over the past few years. My blogging has, let's say, run its course for the most part. I think I have had so much of the blog world that I dare say I feel like I'm over it. Except I'm not, I just haven't quite felt ready to enter the adult blogging world. By which I mean, I like blogging about myself, for myself. Or, I like using my real blog as a syndication tool, not necessarily to craft fiction, essays, or whatnot. I'm not feeling those things at the moment, though I'm persistently wishing I was. I chalk it up to being obsessed with other modes of production, though I find it a paltry excuse.
Anyhow. Whoa. Strange way to meet someone and then find out they were totally what they portrayed themselves as. Has a daughter, didn't mention that. But who would? This I can understand.
Okay, now just to decide how long before I email her...I hate this part. At least she's internet people, so she probably doesn't have a preconceived notion of swiftness as based on the post office...
Ok, obviously I'm way over-thinking this. Again, are you really surprised?
|Saturday, November 3rd, 2007|
I'm really scraping here. Just swirling water in a shallow pan, and trying not to lose whatever I might have. I figure, if something's there and I just keep turning it all over, maybe it will come to the top. Maybe.
I don't see her, but maybe I'm inadvertently looking for dysfunctional gold.
I have been really lost when it comes to relationships. Big news, eh? But, this time I'm not embroiled in anything, just confused by the ones I have that haven't really been made very clear, for lots of different reasons.
I mean, I haven't found anything that seems to fit my expectations and is also reciprocated. Much staggering and crashing to the pavement, nose scrapings to accent my ugly face. I'm not satisfied, and I'm starting to think I never will be.
Perhaps my ego is greater than the sum of the squares of two sides of a right triangle.
|Saturday, September 1st, 2007|
all is not well.
nothing is going as i hoped.
release the pigeons and don't
clip their wings when they return.
make over. make do. make way.
|Friday, July 13th, 2007|
despite the assertion that things didn't work between us last time, K and i have been smiling constantly
|Friday, June 15th, 2007|
many of these things circle 'round, spinning just right until something strikes and off they twirl, into the beyond and whisk. I have put myself into many strange situations—some of which have been good and others bad. Last night I did something strange, but it appears it was based on mutual understanding, and there will be no residual discomfort or expectation.
K from last spring is back in town for a few months. I wonder if she reads this or not...being one of few people I've showed (and most probably my reason for lack of frequent updates since then). Expressing these kinds of thoughts is difficult for me when I know people I know might read it, unless I really trust them. Sigh.
In other news, a sweet one has stumbled into my world, but I think perhaps in many ways she is too young for me. Not in the real sense, but in other ways does not seem to have the kind of experience and maturity I have acquired. Otherwise, a very refreshing addition to my world, and a welcome one, if only for a while. I just seem to keep finding ones who have need for ramblin' on, and maybe it is as it should be.
|Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007|
have you ever had a friend find out they're not the gender they thought they were?
|Friday, April 20th, 2007|
|3.5+ years later
I sprinted 6 blocks after her, and I told K I love her. A long talk ensued.
A bit ago S asserted that I love her and I always will. She's right, I just don't know what it all means, and whether it makes sense. I guess it doesn't need to...
|Tuesday, June 13th, 2006|
Why do I do this to the people I care about? My freaking out has lost me way too many friends. : (
I don't know how to control it. I realized talking to my Dad yesterday that he instilled it in me, and all I want is to learn how to calm down and approach issues with a more even-tempered manner. I need to learn patience, and that giving people and myself time is sometimes not only good but necessary. Now, to stop being neurotic so I can actually take the time myself.
That's my problem: If something is bothering me I just keep mulling it over in my head until I can get it out. Sometimes even getting it out doesn't help (mostly when my manner of getting it out causes more problems, because I'm like that...). Maybe writing things down will help.
I have too many emotions and no idea how to deal with them.
How do you deal with disappointment?
|Thursday, May 4th, 2006|
|While I may
present a face of rationality—
I'm thinking through everything, but inside I'm falling apart over this.
I think it's my fault. I'm sorry I've needed so much.
I should have just left well enough alone so many times. Left when I felt upset so many times, since where there was no consolation I wasn't going to pull it out of rock. I need to learn my patience well, and I always forget what that takes. I miss her already, and maybe what I need is to get through this initial separation anxiety and be able to, once I have a clear head, try to examine my emotions for her, try to clearly word (to myself) what it is I want, and try ever so hard not to expect anything at all.
I'm having that sick feeling again, and I can't sleep.
|Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006|
I guess this might be for the best. I care about her, but I need to figure out how not to cling when things are weird, and she needs to figure out how not to take me for granted, which may come back to me needing to not get clingy and neurotic and letting
her take me for granted, or reinforcing it at least. Ugh. I really like her and I wish I was more able to just be myself instead of getting freaked out and acting all aggressive with my emotions.
For a while I kept trying to do nice things for her to get her to respond in turn, but instead I felt like she just got more and more standoffish. I knew I needed to revise my approach and I failed miserably because I was weak to her because I just wanted everything to be right. I wanted to be strong and have fun and not freak out, but in turn her pushing away and taking me for granted made me more resolved in my action instead of just backing off. I guess I failed at being both strong and sensitive for her.
But, well, I just don't know now. I guess I hope everything turns out right. She's leaving anyhow, so together or apart it was going to be apart sooner or later.Attention turned to introspection
on cue to review
finds silence inside
mesmerized vortices on
Double storms advance
wild and intent to seize
wrapped in a passionate
flail, mortally coiled
|Tuesday, April 18th, 2006|
I just did something quite bold. I hope it is taken as a compliment, and as evidence of the trust i have in you. And, i hope you post anonymously if you want to comment in here, to protect my anonymity. : )
I'm trying to be less neurotic. I'm trying to wrap my head around the complexity of what I feel for you, K (for anyone who might happen to be reading in and trying to keep the codes straight, this is not the K from before, this is new K, with the software, the making out, and the close intimate personally fulfilling and reassuring conversations) and how that is affected by this new kind of situation I'm having to consider.
I know I'm not ready to move my whole life, and yet I'm still pondering the possibility at some point. I find myself thinking about what I would have to do to pare down my personal affects, which I haven't done in a while. During college I never lived in a house during the school year, which means that every 4 months or so I picked up anything that was important to me and moved it to wherever I would live for the next 4 (except winter break in which I took an even smaller selection of important items for a month long hold over). When I graduated, the most important thing I wanted was to not have to move my life again, at least for a bit. And, I've found myself thinking that maybe it's getting near time to do it again. I also have to admit that you would be a pretty good incentive, too.
I also know it will take some time apart to know if those feelings hold true. Now I'm just waiting for this heart chasm I can see approaching, and I'm trying with some failures and some successes to, like I said before, be less neurotic about it all. I love you, and I want everything to turn out in both our best interests. I wish I knew what that was, but for now I can only dream about what I'd like it to be.
I hope I got this written before you get home and load it up. ; )
|Wednesday, January 18th, 2006|
It is an amazing thing to be alternately making out and trading software. The bonus is when you give her a program and ask if she needs serials, and she responds that she can take care of it.
I am a total geek. This is so ultimately fabulous.
|Thursday, July 21st, 2005|
|I was going to post good news
a few nights ago, but instead now I post despair.
I thought it was all so strong, and now I find out it was nothing but fear.
She ran a test on me, and she failed.
The question is, do I forgive her?
i'm so tired of people's games.O you who turn the wheel and look to windward,
Consider Phlebas, who was once handsome and tall as you.
|Wednesday, June 1st, 2005|
how often (if ever) someone I know wanders across this and realizes who I am...
if you do and see this, pop an email over to randomrandomrandom502 @ take me out yahoo.com
you can be anonymous, but i'm curious to know if it even happens. (say something that makes me know you know me if you want to be helpful)
|Wednesday, May 4th, 2005|
|Tricky sticky all over again
I've gone and done it again.
Went and hooked up with someone prematurely.
I ran into E (extra) over the weekend a few times but I wasn't quite sure what to make of our interactions until monday night when I saw her again. What makes this weird is that Sunday night I fell into bed with someone else. I can't say I had grand designs for the sunday night escapade, but it seems as if S did. She's kind of stalkerish though and far more excited about me than I am about her, not to mention a little (just a little) young.
Supposedly they're both going away for the summer, which makes everything a bit easier, but not so nice. I just wrote an email to E and went to put a video short in her mailbox that I made for her. Hopefully that will strike well. I don't know how to break it to S, especially after sunday night. But, ultimately she can't be that upset. She told me when we were fooling around that I was the third person she'd brought home this last weekend, so it's not as if her position is solid and committed. I hope things go well with E...I don't want to end up waiting all summer to see her again and try to figure out what the hell is going on. Of course, if the email and video don't work, I suppose I can assume that it's nothing. Hrmph. : /
|Friday, April 1st, 2005|
I just heard, C broke off her engagement to I. And they were supposed to move out together. Today.
Instead it looks like I might have to blow off one of the people moving into my house in their stead so 'I' can stay. That sucks, but, well, this isn't all that problematic for me. I much wished that 'I' hadn't decided to move out in the first place.
I still feel bad about the folks who were lined up, but what am I supposed to do? Say fuck off to my friend so some strangers can have a place to live for two months? It just doesn't work that way.
|Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005|
|an easy kind of fall
is when you aren't falling at all. I'm a Starman.
there is a spring, advance copy, settling in with a double entendre.
i do not shuffle off, but here's the catch— the bottle has one, and now i don't.
so here's to sitting sturdily on the wagon.
So, as far as an update, M called it off as perhaps she realized she actually had some respect for me and needed to be honest. So, that was good, an honest let down rather than a strung along push. However, I now find myself in a position which may entail two girls, an E and a T. The first one is Extra and the second Terrestrial. I don't know what the deal is with Extra, but Terrestrial is a slow lunge, with an idea firmly in hand. Terrestrial is an old long story (from the fall, when the drink was still sloshing around between my thumb and fore-finger), and Extra is completely new. I'm not at all sure what will happen with either, and neither have I gotten a solid clue what Extra thinks. It's difficult with a new species to examine the thoughts. Terrestrial just came out and started discussing the issues at hand. That may be on track. But Extra may be extra.
|Friday, January 21st, 2005|
|With mane in hand- the braids and bows.
So, I was already aware of this, but she came out and said it—she has a long term guy (since she was way too young to make such a romantic obligation) who's currently out of the country, but whom will be coming back soon. The verbiage was, after ___
(date), no promises
. My response was, well, no promises is better than no chance, and also, that I'm willing to take that risk. I think things just might go well...but, I'll petition higher power nonetheless. Tomorrow night we're supposed to go out.
This is definitely a strange situation, but not irreconcilably so. I have about a month and a half to be as myself as possible to see what might come of things. Really, my greatest difficulty is being real and comfortable when I'm really horribly nervous at the most inopportune moments—and yet I refuse to take reparative drugs.
She's pretty god damn on cu(t)e.
I hope this goes my way.
Please let me stop worrying around M.I need something just this one time. It's important. No favors, no gifts, just give me to me.
Once that's done, I'll take care of drawing her closer. Where's my courage when I need it Mr. Oz?
Let's just have no flower pot crowning moments.
|Wednesday, January 19th, 2005|
Cuddling is nice.
Let's see what happens. Hopefully she won't run away tomorrow before I can see her.
|Wednesday, January 12th, 2005|
It looks like that whole no prospects thing is a big flop.
But, not because I've broken my resolution.
Just in time though...thursday I have plans to hang out with M from before, but I was sort of wishy-washy on how I felt about it all, considering my resolution and all.
Regardless, tonight I arrived home and there two of my housemates were with a cute guest whom I've had an eye wobbling over before. We've never really spent any significant time together, but I've had my ears open when talking to her before, and only heard 'boyfriend' and let the thought crawl away.
However, I was with one of said housemates in his room when the other came by and relayed a message of 'M (this is a different M) has a crush on you and she wanted me to pass it along,' to which I responded, 'Well, you can let her know I have a crush on her as well!'
Which elicited the most marvelous squeak from housemate Two. (Two, btw is C, who still shows up on the front page of my journal from before. She's engaged to my good friend I, who is housemate One. This is awesome, because now I can be friends with C, which is really quite optimal since I really enjoy hanging out with her.)
M had left by this time though, so there was no eye-fluttering, shoe-gazing confrontation, I think for the better.
I spent the rest of the evening helping clean up from dinner and talking to C about this M. C sent her my words a little earlier and apparently her response was much like mine- a probe for more information.
This could be quite the thing!
Mutual crushes are a good sign, I think. And, from all I got from C- M sounds amazingly right. Not to mention that dinner with her tonight was completely satisfying, with an unfinished aftertaste.
More word to come, but of course you know that.